I didn’t get to the gym today. Because I couldn’t make myself get off the couch. Because, depression.
After years of shying away from talking about any kind of mental health, I feel like now everyone has anxiety and/or depression. I have both. I’ve had them for years, and I didn’t get any help when I was younger, because we didn’t talk about such things.
But every time my parents left the house I said a silent prayer that they didn’t get into a car accident and I couldn’t go to sleep until they got home. If my mom asked me to go somewhere with her and I said no, I would worry that something bad would happen to her. I took home all my framed photos every time I went home for a break in college, because what if the dorm caught on fire? I unplug everything in my house when I leave for more than a day. When I send an email at work or at home my stomach flips as soon as I hit send….even if it’s just a reply to someone else’s email. I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep because there are so many bad things happening in the world.
Most days I can’t get out of bed right away. I physically cannot gather the strength to move. Right now it’s still light out and I want to get in my bed so badly. But that would mean I have to move from the couch. If my laptop wasn’t within reach I’m not sure I’d be writing this…except that the anxiety of not slicing today after sticking with this for 19 days would eventually win out. Because even though I have anxiety and depression, I am also a perfectionist.
I’ve been on Lexapro for years and it helps….for the most part. I’ve tried, unsuccessfully, to find a therapist that a) I feel comfortable talking to and b) takes my insurance. So I read self-help books and try to help myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It depends on the day, and sometimes it just hits without warning.
The thing that people don’t realize, or don’t understand is that no one who has anxiety or depression wants to feel like this. I wanted to go to Zumba today….but I could not get off the couch.
I’ve been staring at this post for a while now, trying to decide whether to delete the whole thing and start over with a happier slice about the first day of spring. But this is where I am today. Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of ramblings by a crazy person 🙂