I didn’t get to the gym today. Because I couldn’t make myself get off the couch. Because, depression.
After years of shying away from talking about any kind of mental health, I feel like now everyone has anxiety and/or depression. I have both. I’ve had them for years, and I didn’t get any help when I was younger, because we didn’t talk about such things.
But every time my parents left the house I said a silent prayer that they didn’t get into a car accident and I couldn’t go to sleep until they got home. If my mom asked me to go somewhere with her and I said no, I would worry that something bad would happen to her. I took home all my framed photos every time I went home for a break in college, because what if the dorm caught on fire? I unplug everything in my house when I leave for more than a day. When I send an email at work or at home my stomach flips as soon as I hit send….even if it’s just a reply to someone else’s email. I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t fall back to sleep because there are so many bad things happening in the world.
Most days I can’t get out of bed right away. I physically cannot gather the strength to move. Right now it’s still light out and I want to get in my bed so badly. But that would mean I have to move from the couch. If my laptop wasn’t within reach I’m not sure I’d be writing this…except that the anxiety of not slicing today after sticking with this for 19 days would eventually win out. Because even though I have anxiety and depression, I am also a perfectionist.
I’ve been on Lexapro for years and it helps….for the most part. I’ve tried, unsuccessfully, to find a therapist that a) I feel comfortable talking to and b) takes my insurance. So I read self-help books and try to help myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It depends on the day, and sometimes it just hits without warning.
The thing that people don’t realize, or don’t understand is that no one who has anxiety or depression wants to feel like this. I wanted to go to Zumba today….but I could not get off the couch.
I’ve been staring at this post for a while now, trying to decide whether to delete the whole thing and start over with a happier slice about the first day of spring. But this is where I am today. Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of ramblings by a crazy person 🙂
GreeneLit 
The last line of your first paragraph really got me. Today you used writing to constructively confront your condition. Keep fighting.
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Congratulations for writing this and putting it out there. That takes a lot of courage. You are definitely not alone! I wish the last line wasn’t there, it made me so sad. But that’s the reality of depression and if that’s how you felt when you wrote it then that’s what belongs. there. I hope that you continue to use this forum to write about depression and anxiety. It’s real and it will help others to read it, and hopefully you to write it.
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I hope you know how brave it was to hit publish. Stories like yours help others know they are not alone. Thank you for sharing!
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I’m right there with you, having been t-boned by major depression and anxiety, too. Strength comes through talking about it and finding the right therapeutic approach for you. And the right meds. It’s complex and takes time, but I encourage you to persevere.
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You aren’t alone. It took a lot of courage to publish your post. Kuddos to you for that! I’ve been on Lexapro myself and it’s not easy to deal with anxiety and depression. I recently switched to another medication because I hit a wall. Keep fighting and know you do not have to fight alone! Thank you for posting and inspiring me to try to get the courage to post things more personal.
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First, you are NOT alone and putting it out there is likely a step towards realizing there may be someone to help you find tools to fight. I’ve worked with a therapist for a while now and it has really helped to remind me of the tools I have to fight – and that I am not alone in this fight.You are certainly a strong woman!
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